Pretty sure the universe conspires against me
Ripping out my heart from time to time
Insisting I stay behind those curbs
Deciding when I can and can’t
I know Pride is supposed to be the root of all sin, or at least that’s what the religious scholars and philosophers of old would have you to believe. But I struggle with that idea sometimes. Most of the time I just think that life happens to you no matter how good, bad, riotous, poor, indignant, humble… that you are. Here’s an example of a case of bad luck.
Ivan was a nine year old Dobie and was the greatest companion anyone could ever know. Less than 10 months ago I had to put my beloved best friend to permanent rest after a quick and sudden onset of an incurable k9 condition of the spine took away his ability to walk. He was a VERY big boy ( 90+ pounds) and I couldn’t carry him outside to go to the potty due to my own back issues. His prognosis was not good. The condition would eventually move up his spine and cause respitory problems and an eventual death. It could have taken days, weeks, months, or on the odd chance maybe years for him to deteriorate to that point. So I did what I thought was best at the time.
BUT, I always question my choice.
Not a day goes by that I don’t run though all of the what if’s and find innumerable ways to persecute myself. That day was one of the saddest and most painful moments of my life: having to chose death for something else because of my own inadequacies as a caregiver was not a choice I made lightly. Yet, guilt still abounds in my heart. Anyone who loves animals can surely understand the grief of losing that “one special friend” who for some mysterious reason binds your heart in ways that no other pet had. To be the one to choose to end that life only magnifies the depth of grief by way of immeasurable guilt. He trusted me. Did I let him down?
So your probably asking why I’m telling this story. Well, here we go.
Life happens, again.
Suddenly (less than a year from losing my best friend) his little sister, my four year old Dobie girl Coco has developed some kind of urinary problem that seems to have no resolve after over a month of very expensive prescription treatments. She goes in for x-rays tomorrow and maybe I’ll know more about what is really wrong with her at that point. As for now, who knows. She’s been treated for a bacterial infection that was supposedly the cause of her incontinence issues. Apparently those two items are merely symptoms of something else that is going on and not the cause. Needless to say my concern borders on panic. I can’t help but wonder if I’m about to face another one of those gut wrenching decisions.
So this brings me back to pride. I can’t help but wonder. Am I being punished? Should I have asked strangers for help managing Ivan during what time he might have had left? Was it pride that kept me from seeing any other alternative? Is CoCo’s recent trouble a test of my resolve or a lesson about murder? How damn prideful would I have to be for the universe to punish another innocent creature as a means to try and reach into my subconscious?
I’ve thought about this a lot and I’ve determined that true pride would be me viewing this situation from a self-centric position. Thinking that my actions someone steered the universe in some negative fashion toward another living thing seems to me a pretty darn ego driven thought process. Because, if that be the case; if the past decision I made has caused another innocent to suffer, well, then we are all guilty of indirectly harming each other. Worse yet, it would seem the whole universe is conspiring against you to put you in just the right place for **it to happen. None of that makes sense to me.
So I have to think that the value I put on my sin is measured not by my actions, but by my thoughts and how I view my world. Am I looking inward from without? Or am I looking outward from within? Then again, maybe I shouldn’t be looking at all. Maybe the real lesson for **it is that life just happens: to the good; to the bad; and to us all.
**Update: 7/12/18: CoCo’s x-rays were clean – No stones – the problem is muscular or neurological, both of which can be treated with medication. Things are looking up for her.